i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just high enough for therapy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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