Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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