she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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