I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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