I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
