new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
