I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
