i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
