am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
