before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
