I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
