How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
