U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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