He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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