Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
