I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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