You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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