Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
