What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
