I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
