The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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