I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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