We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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