I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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