you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
