I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
