We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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