At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
