i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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