Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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