she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
