ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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