are you still at the devil's house?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
