Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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