You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I need water and some morals
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
