I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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