I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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