why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
