Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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