the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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