I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
