I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
