I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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