Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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