Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
