i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My vagina just recognized that song.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
