theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
