I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
