Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
