Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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