Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
