I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
