This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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