This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
